Divorce with Regret - How to Keep Your Head Clear When You Feel Ashamed
The dangers of emotional decision making during divorce
Divorce can happen for any number of reasons. However, when infidelity is the cause, one party usually feels betrayal and anger, and the unfaithful party feels guilt and shame. This can lead to decisions made with strong emotions that are not always the best for either party, although they might feel justified at the time.
** The following is a purely fictional story, not related to or based on any real-life situations or people. Any similarities are coincidental. **
Peter and Diane
Peter and Diane met at university fifteen years ago and married three years after. Two years later, daughter Mary was born, and then Joanne shortly after. The couple were in love and happy until Peter’s “one stupid night.”
Peter was a dedicated worker, so it wasn’t unusual for his days to start at 6 am. Often he wouldn’t get home until 7 pm when the girls were in bed, and Diane was exhausted from a long day carrying the mental load of the family’s home life. Peter and Diane noticed the strain when Mary started school, and Peter’s position required him to travel for one week a month to interstate locations. As a result, the passion and excitement they once shared for each other was dwindling. Diane felt overwhelmed and invisible, while Peter felt unappreciated and resentful.
Then Sally was hired. She was younger, looked up to Peter, listened to him, and always asked his opinion. He felt valued, appreciated, seen, and important in Sally’s company. Over many hours working together, Peter was thinking more and more about Sally, her smile, and how she lit up when he walked into the room. He knew he was developing feelings for her but ignored his gut feeling to distance himself. Instead, Sally flirted, and Peter let her. Then one night on one of the work trips, Sally spent the night in Peter’s hotel room.
Filled with regret, guilt and shame, Peter returned and told Diane, begging her to forgive him. Diane did not take it well at all. First, she was heartbroken, then angry. Although she tried, she could not forgive him, despite Peter offering to move to another company and leave his career. They tried to reconcile for a further six months, and during this time, Diane went back to work full time. Peter retained his position and spent these six months trying to convince Diane that he would never do anything like that again.
Just after Christmas, six months after the affair, Diane asked Peter to move out. He found a small flat to rent and left Diane all the furniture, buying the bare minimum for his flat. Peter tried to convince Diane to forgive him. However, four weeks after he moved out, she asked him for a divorce. Unfortunately, 66% of marriages end after infidelity, so the odds were against Peter winning his wife’s trust and love back.
Shame and guilt leads to misguided property and child custody decisions
Peter was devastated that his stupidity had hurt Diane and broken up his family. Due to his guilt and shame, he bent over backwards to be accommodating and pleasant, giving Diane everything she asked for, in hopes that she would change her mind. The settlement, including the house, superannuation, assets, child custody and child support, was heavily in Diane’s favour. This was detrimental to Peter’s ability to one day move forward and provide a safe and comfortable home for his children to visit. But Peter wasn’t thinking about his future. Even as he read the property settlement papers, he was hoping Diane would see how sorry he was and take him back.
What our divorce coach would say to Peter
At some stage, Peter would start to heal, and so would Diane. Then when the smoke has cleared, would these arrangements seem reasonable?
With no home and limited access to his children, the arrangements and agreements Peter made from a place of guilt may lead to hardship and a fractured relationship with his children. When reconciliation is not a likely outcome, sensible decisions about property and children with the future in mind should be the priority.
Decisions made now can lead to a lifetime of divorce regret so it’s important to think long term. Do you want to come out of the divorce with a good relationship with your ex? Do you want forgiveness? What do you want if your partner does not forgive you to the point that they will take you back?
Our Divorce Coach would advise Peter to consider what would be reasonable to allow both parties to move forward and rebuild a good life for the children. Keeping in mind that while emotions are high now, they will not always be, and decisions made now will affect the children until they are eighteen.
More importance should be placed on the long-term experience for your children with both parents rather than keeping the peace or allowing guilt to drive your decisions. In years to come, giving the majority of the assets and custody to one party can lead to resentment, causing tension and also problems in supporting a future partner.
Making a decision about the division of assets and child custody should be done with fairness and with the future in mind, not how you feel at the time of divorce. Because feelings will change, and you will heal. What should be your focus now is the future, which has the potential to be a much calmer and fairer experience if the right decisions are made now. Forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to look to a fair and equitable future with a fair and equitable decision process can make all the difference in a few short years for you, your ex, and your children.